Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Most Powerful Aid in the Zombie Wars

There's been a lot of discussion lately about how to prepare for Earth's imminent destruction via the Zombie Apocalypse. 

First of all, there really is no way to pepare for it.  We're all doomed to die. 

But it's fun to speculate and I believe I have found one way to make the short time we have left more pleasant.  Bacon.  But not in the way you're thinking. 

It occurred to me the other day when the garbage disposal broke and started smelling like a rat crawled inside it and was killed by a giant spider that then used the rat carcass to lay its eggs.  Obviously I wasn't going to go digging around the pipes to tackle that mess.  That's the great thing about living in an apartment.  They will kill giant spider eggs for you.  But they take three days to do it.  That's the downside of living in an apartment.  While we waited, we tried everything else to get rid of that smell.  Oranges, candles.  Nothing worked.  It only made it smell like rose flavored rat carcass.  I don't suggest it as a candle scent. 

Breakfast time rolled around and I made bacon for my daughter, Alison.  She loves bacon.  I'm not a big fan.  I was traumatized when I was eight years old by my dad making bacon while I was sick and throwing up, so I associated the two with each other for years.  I'm just now getting to the point where I don't want to puke every time I smell bacon, but I usually choose to go without it. 

So I'm making bacon for Alison, further proving my love for my her because I willingly allow the smell of bacon to infiltrate my nose for days because IT DOES NOT GO AWAY.  No matter how much other food you cook throughout the course of the day, if you make bacon for breakfast, everything else will taste like bacon. 

So I make bacon and all of a sudden, I can't smell the rotting rat corpse in my sink not two feet away from me.  It was like Magic.  That's when it occurred to me.  Zombies are rotting corpses, too.  And the thing movies never really touch on is the fact that they probably smell really bad.  People in movies always cover their mouths when there's a dead body in the room that's older than a day or two.  Can you imagine ones that have been rotting underground for much, much longer?  Or fresh ones just starting to decompose?  And what happens after you kill them?  They're not going to start smelling better that's for sure. 

So at the end of the day (or maybe the beginning of it since most zombie slaying happens at night) when you're finished fighting for your life and you have a pile of beheaded zombies at your feet, you're going to want to rest up for the next battle.  But you can't sleep because WHAT IS THAT SMELL?  You will need something to cover it up so you can get to sleep and get back to killing the undead.  Trust me.  Rose flavored Yankee candles are not going to cut it.

Bacon will save your life during the zombie apocalypse.

1 comment:

missmessy said...

I have often been cooking bacon, because I worship bacon and eat it on everything (including bacon) and have thought to myself "self, its a really good thing that you love bacon, its going to be so helpful during the trying times of the Zombie Apocalypse".

On a more serious note, how the #^&*(^!? Can you not love bacon? What the heck is wrong with you? Here I thought we were kindred spirits, now i have serious reservations about continuing this relationship. I may have to disown you. I will keep my lovely niece with me of course, you obviously can't be trusted to teach her the finer points of the culinary arts, we can eat bacon sandwiches and bacon wrapped scallops, to our hearts content, while you are off fighting zombies....