Friday, July 29, 2011

Supermarket Dance Off

Alison and I went to get groceries and in the middle of the cheese aisle she had to go to the bathroom.  So we rush to the front of the store and on the way there Alison is in front of me and she's moving her arms around in front of her, then she puts them on her hips and shakes her booty. 

And I was, like, "Alison, are you doing the Macarana right now?"

"Yes! How did you know?  You know the Macarana too?"

You mean that ridiculous song from the 90's that made an appearance at every high school dance I went to and was then forced by peer pressure to get on the floor do the same simple moves over and over again?  Yeah, I think I've heard of it. 

Then we get to the bathroom and she rushes in ahead of me because I have to put the cart in the right spot so old people don't trip over it and I get my purse and her barbie and horse toys she just had to bring into the store and I take them in with me so they won't get stolen.  Then I get in the stall next to Alison.

"Mom?"  She asks.

"Yes Alison?"

"I'm doing the Macarana right now!"

What else could I do?  I joined her in doing the Macarana and hummed the annoying song that goes with it and now it's stuck in my brain for the rest of the day.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Zombies Exposed! 10 Things You Didn't Know About Zombies

1.  When they come to you with their arms outstretched like that, all they really want is a hug.

2. They stumble because, hello, everyone stumbles around in a graveyard.  It's dark and there are headstones everywhere. 

3. Zombies are food snobs.  Brain (they're favorite food) is considered a delicacy in most countries. 

4.  Raw meat has more vitamin B6 in it.  So zombies are actually living a healthy, organic lifestyle.

5.  Zombies are clever.  Don't let the vacant expressions on their face fool you.  They are rampant death machines disguised as people you love.  Who is going to willingly hack off the head of their great-grandma who read them bedtime stories? Or the guy next door who threw the football back and forth with you?  Most people are going to hesitate.  And maybe that hesitation is just what the zombie needs to get close enough to make you breakfast. 

6. They are determined.  You can cut, you can chop, you can dismember but short of slicing off one's head and/or destroying the brain they are coming for what they want.  They would probably make great CEO's, if they could keep from eating the brains of all their employees. 

7. Zombies have amazing smell receptors.  They can detect the scent of a living human within 100 feet.  A trained K-9 dog can smell marijuana from about 60 ft away.  Now if only we could train zombies to concentrate on more than just eating human flesh. 

8. They have superior strength compounded by the fact that they don't feel pain.  If they could fly we would be calling them Superman.

9.  They travel in packs.  Their noses and their instincts draw them to each other for better hunting.  It's easier to catch prey in herds, but they don't do so well on the sharing part once the prey is down.

10.  Last, but not least.  Well, okay, maybe least of all, zombies are victims.  They didn't ask to be infected and turned into mindless, flesh-eating machines.  Grandma Pearl was just going about her day, wondering about her flower arrangement when-BAM-the need for meat hit her.  I'm not saying we should let them kill us all and take over the planet, but have a little consideration for the post-human species.  If you were a zombie, would you want to be paraded around on a leash or kept in a cage and poked with a stick?  I didn't think so.  So kill the zombies, but do it humanely.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Alison just called me into her room to show me a drawing she made.  It was an escape plan in case a monster ever tries to eat me.  We are now prepared for any eventuality.

Monday, July 18, 2011

What If....

So I found this book at Goodwill (my favorite place ever to buy books b/c if you don't like it you wasted a buck).  It's called IF and it has a bunch of scenerios, questions about what you would do if you had the chance.  Lots of them are boring and political, but some of them were fun.  So I asked Alison (my 8 yr old daughter) what she would do.  Best hour of my day by far. 

If you could forsee a single day of your future in its entirety, what date would you select?

She chose her next birthday so she could see what presents she would get and I was, like, can you let me know what they were?

If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?

She didn't even hesitate on this one.  She KNEW.  She would train seals.  I would probably train lions and tigers.  Or be a tightrope walker.  Not that I have any balance.  I would probably be a horrible tightrope walker, but it sounds like fun.  Or a fun way to die.  Either one.

If everything in the world had to have the same odor, what scent would you want it to be?

Bubblegum.  I totally agree on this one. 

If you had to name the worst job in the world, what would it be?

I chose elephant poop-scooper and she said either that or bee catcher.

If you had to choose the best song ever composed, which one would it be?

JUSTIN BIEBER!  She said it in all caps.  Which song?  ALL OF THEM.  I kinda new the answer to this one, but I had to ask anyways.

If you could leave a time capsule the size of a microwave oven to be found centuries from now, what would you put inside it?

First, I had to answer questions as to why they would want to bury our oven and what is a century, but she finally decided on two things.  A box of cereal and a book of fairytales.  So they would have something to eat while they read. 

If you were given $5,000 to spend in one store in the world, where would you do your shopping?

She got a giddy look on her face on this one and laughed an evil laugh with her fingertips touching and said "The Dollar Store!"  I was like, you could probably buy out the whole store for that. 

If you could receive one small package this very moment, who would it be from and what would be in it?

It would be from grandma and it would have a picture of grandma and papa in it.  (hint hint grandma)

If you were to be granted one wish, what would it be?

That my family could all live together and follow us around everywhere.  I chose money.  Sorry guys. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011

What If...(Adult version)

There were some questions Alison either wouldn't get or would terrify her because they involve death.  She's already worried about how and when everyone she loves will die.  I don't mention the subject around her. 

If you were to drown in a liquid other than water, what would you want it to be?

My first thought, of course, was Jello.  But is that technically a liquid?  It starts out that way so I would probably choose pre-refrigerated jello because then, as you're gasping for air, at least you get some flavor to go with it. 

If you could enact one law in your country that does not currently exist, what would it be?

I would restrict whistle usage.  Trains could use them and sports coaches, but they would have to have licenses and anyone caught using a whistle without a license would be severely punished.  No one under the age of 25 should ever be given a whistle.  Why stores market them as a fun toy in fun shapes is beyond me.  There's no musical quality involved.  All they do is irritate the adults in the house.  All whistles would be replaced with bubble wands. 

If you could receive one small package this very moment, who would it be from and what would be in it?

The president and it would have a key and a treasure map. 

If you could discover that something you thought was true was actually false, what would you wish it to be?

Sugar is fattening!  If we were to wake up and that were suddenly false, everyone would live happier lives.

If you could have a secret listening device in any one room in the world, which room would you like it to be in?

My first thought went to the Oval Office but I can't even listen to the news for longer than five minutes before my attention drifts off to something shiny.  SO... instead, I think I'd want to listen in on the writers of Modern Family.  That show is so stinkin funny.  I don't get to watch it nearly as much as I'd like, but when I do it brightens my day. 

If you could invent one new home appliance, what would it do?

It would be a mini robot that cleaned the whole house.  Seriously.  It's 2011.  Why do we not have this yet?  When I was in the 6th grade the year 2000 was so far off, it was a magical number where all our dreams were going to come true.  We were supposed to have flying cars and vacation trips to the moon.  I can't even get a decent mop, let alone someone to do it for me. Science has totally failed us. 

If your own ashes were to be kept in an urn, after you die, where would you want the urn kept? 

First of all I like how they mention, after you die, in this question because it could easily be confused with before death.  But I worked with this guy once who mentioned he wanted his ashes put in an hour glass when he died (so he'd finally be on time for something.  haha).  I thought that was an awesome idea.  And it should be kept somewhere prominent, like a mantle in the living room so everyone new who walks in will be, like, great hour glass.  Where'd you get it?  Then you'd have a perfect conversation starter. 

If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be? 

There's a Dilbert cartoon where the devil character senses 1% of a soul left in Wally so Wally sells it for a donut.  But if I'm going to sell my whole soul it would have to be for a lifetime supply of free books.  At least. 

If you could realize a dream that you have had while asleep, what dream would you pick?

None.  My dreams are weird.  Mostly they're the inspiration for the crazy stuff I write about but I wouldn't want them actually coming true.  The last dream I had I was in a garden and there were seashells decorating it and I picked up one of the bigger ones, a starfish with more legs than it should have had, and when I went to put it down, a big ol' spider crawled up my hand.  So I used the starfish to beat at it until it fell off and I thought I killed the spider, so I went inside to tell the person in there my funny story (an old wise woman), with the starfish still in my hand.  I put it down and the spider was still attached to the bottom.  I screamed and jumped back and the starfish came alive and its legs moved and battled with the spider.  The starfish won.  Then the shell cracked open and a giant squid/octopus thing slithered out.  It was a white-ish blue color and very slimy.  It climbed onto the counter and started eating leftovers.  I went outside to tell everyone out there to come in and by the time we got back, the octopus had grown to the size of the counter, slithered to the floor and crawled onto the lap of the woman sitting at the table and then the octopus changed into a little girl.  That's when I woke up.  If the seashells in my house ever start moving, I'm moving out.

Monday, July 4, 2011

I don't want to forget this

Cute things Alison did this week:
  • Dressed her boy barbies up in dresses, made them marry each other and then laughed like it was the most clever thing she'd ever done.  It was made even funnier by the fact that earlier in the month she drew mustaches and beards on the boy barbies with a pen and, after trying every cleaning solution in the house, I was only able to dull them to a dark outline.  So now Ken looks like he should be wearing plaid and chopping down trees.  I am so showing her this post the day she marries her gay best friend in college. 
  • Got me out of bed this morning by pretending to be a zombie and sucking out my brains.  Girl knows my weaknesses.  Zombies and the sound of puking babies: the two things that propell me out of bed like no other.
  • Waddled around the house in her swim tube like it was an alien spaceship.
  • She picked up a picture I colored, gave me a consoling pat on the shoulder and said, "You did your best, mom."  Like an older doctor who just witnessed his young protege kill his first patient.