Sunday, July 24, 2011

Zombies Exposed! 10 Things You Didn't Know About Zombies

1.  When they come to you with their arms outstretched like that, all they really want is a hug.

2. They stumble because, hello, everyone stumbles around in a graveyard.  It's dark and there are headstones everywhere. 

3. Zombies are food snobs.  Brain (they're favorite food) is considered a delicacy in most countries. 

4.  Raw meat has more vitamin B6 in it.  So zombies are actually living a healthy, organic lifestyle.

5.  Zombies are clever.  Don't let the vacant expressions on their face fool you.  They are rampant death machines disguised as people you love.  Who is going to willingly hack off the head of their great-grandma who read them bedtime stories? Or the guy next door who threw the football back and forth with you?  Most people are going to hesitate.  And maybe that hesitation is just what the zombie needs to get close enough to make you breakfast. 

6. They are determined.  You can cut, you can chop, you can dismember but short of slicing off one's head and/or destroying the brain they are coming for what they want.  They would probably make great CEO's, if they could keep from eating the brains of all their employees. 

7. Zombies have amazing smell receptors.  They can detect the scent of a living human within 100 feet.  A trained K-9 dog can smell marijuana from about 60 ft away.  Now if only we could train zombies to concentrate on more than just eating human flesh. 

8. They have superior strength compounded by the fact that they don't feel pain.  If they could fly we would be calling them Superman.

9.  They travel in packs.  Their noses and their instincts draw them to each other for better hunting.  It's easier to catch prey in herds, but they don't do so well on the sharing part once the prey is down.

10.  Last, but not least.  Well, okay, maybe least of all, zombies are victims.  They didn't ask to be infected and turned into mindless, flesh-eating machines.  Grandma Pearl was just going about her day, wondering about her flower arrangement when-BAM-the need for meat hit her.  I'm not saying we should let them kill us all and take over the planet, but have a little consideration for the post-human species.  If you were a zombie, would you want to be paraded around on a leash or kept in a cage and poked with a stick?  I didn't think so.  So kill the zombies, but do it humanely.

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