Thursday, August 25, 2011

There's a new kind of ninja in town

I was walking to the bus stop with Alison and on the way we saw some birds.  One was in the grass and struggled to get in the air when it saw us coming.  Both of us worried it was injured, but it flew just fine after a second attempt and joined its friends.  It was probably just a clumsy bird and tripped over the tall grass.

But it got us talking about birds and Alison wondered what it was that birds do for us, how it helps the circle of life since that's what they talk about in school.  This is our conversation:

Me:  I don't know exactly.  I know they eat bugs.  Maybe that helps.  And worms.

Alison:  Unless they're ninja worms.  (makes ninja kicks with her hands and feet)  There could be ninja worms.

Me:  There could be.  They don't have any arms, though.  So they'll have to use their tails and heads.  I think they could totally do it. 

(This lead Alison to demonstrate how a ninja worm would fight off a bird.  Me, I think of ninjas and zombies are never far behind. So I had to ask.)

Me:  What if there were zombie worms it had to fight off?

Alison:  Mom, that's ridiculous. 

Silly me.  After that she reminisced about a pet worm she had for a day when she was four and what if it were a ninja worm?  Oh, to have the imagination of an eight year old. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Mermaid Porn

I love Google.  I was looking up a piece of basic anatomy because high school was a long time ago and I couldn't remember what area the kidneys were in.  (don't worry, Internet, I got it all figured out.)  Apparently Google knows me and my interests because along with all the other normal, human anatomy pictures, it brings up ones with mermaid anatomy.  Google knows how I roll.  It knows that I am much more fascinated with the imagined workings of a fictional creature than I am with the day to day running of the thing that carries around my dark and twisted soul.  This, of course, sparked a whole new obsession.  I had to know everything there was to know about mermaid anatomy.  How do they have sex?  How do they have babies? 

Apparently there's not a lot to know about the subject.  It was a pretty quick research assignment.  I found the same diagram posted everywhere, read some sick lonely sailor bestiality stories and watched one really funny SNL skit with Reese Witherspoon and Will Farrell that I have been unable to find since. 

There are some conflicting theories on the reproduction of mermaids.  One idea is that mermaids procreate the same as fish where the woman lays the eggs on the floor of the sea and the merman comes later and fertilizes them.  I don't like this idea.  It's not sexy or romantic AT ALL.  I like the second theory where they have sex and give birth like we do.  I like this idea beause mermaids are half human which means they have our emotions.  They need love and lust just the same as us and laying eggs on the floor of the sea with no fin to fin contact isn't going to cut it. 

One person noted that in the first ever tale (pun intended) of a mermaid the author described the tail as starting below the buttocks, leaving the good stuff wide out in the open, so there was no question as to how they procreated, then Disney came along and PG-ified the outfit and the ending and created all this mystery.  This makes sense, but I think it would look funny, having the tail start so low. 

On the many sights that have this diagram of mermaid anatomy there are tons of comments and one person says: Well, it's obvious from the picture where the guy puts it in.  Or something like that.  Now, I don't know if it's just my really horrible, old computer screen or my really horrible, old eyesight or a combination of both, but I can't see the details of this picture no matter how many times I enlarge it.  And I feel like a total perv zooming in on the private areas of a mermaid. 

I could probably find a drawing of what a mermaid vag looks like on the outside, but I don't want to type 'mermaid porn' into Google.  I don't want the FBI to think I'm a freak when they investigate my computer some day.  Plus I'm terrified of what Google will turn up.  I think I'm better off in the dark about this one. 

So here's the famous picture of mermaid anatomy by Walmor CorrĂȘa:



See?  He has a picture of a baby and how the baby would look in a mermaid belly.  So, obviously, Mr. Correa thinks like I do, that mermaids are sexy and shouldn't have to live without coitus. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

An Ode to Ninjas

Ninja, Ninja on the wall,
You slink away
After the brawl. 

Your mad skills are never ending,
With swords and nunchucks you keep on sending
The world the message that never stops
You could end all our lives with a karate chop.

Without you, we'd never win
The zombie war that has yet to begin
You will chop off thier heads with the greatest of ease,
Unmatched in agility, forthright and speed.

So on you we rely
When we call, you will fly
To our sides night or day
To protect us, we pray.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Care and Feeding of Monsters

You know how you can get different colored tab things to put over your keys so you don't try to open your house with the mail key?  I have ones shaped like monsters. 

Big surprise, I know.  They're rubbery and cute and have little flailing arms that wave at me every time I walk with them.  Best investment I ever made because they make me smile every time I see them.  Cute monster keys never get old.  If you ever make this same investment, here's a tip:  Don't try to get your keys out of your purse via a monster arm.  The monsters don't grip back.  I ripped the arm off my sea monster that's over the key we use to get into the swimming pool at the apt. complex.  I almost cried. 

Alison saw the extra arm in my purse when she was digging through it to find my phone and her eyes got all huge and she immediately ran for the tape.  It didn't work, but it entertained her long enough for me to make a phone call in peace.  Something that never happens because she can sense whenever I'm on the phone and that's when she'll jump off her bed and break a leg or set the kitchen on fire.  Just to get my attention back where it belongs.  ON HER.  At all times. 

Since she couldn't surgically attach the arm she resorted to the next best thing: hiding it in places where I would find it.  Which involved me standing in our small kitchen trying to cook dinner while she hid behind my back, giggling while I pretended to be surprised when a green monster arm appeared under the oven mitts.  Then she stands in front of me with her arms behind her back, giggling, and says, "Mom, I ate it."

ME: "Uh, oh, a monster's going to grow in your belly now.  Then it will be all grown and it will crawl out of your mouth and then we'll have to feed it and take care of it."

ALISON: Nu, uh. I know where it will come from.  Your butt.  Because that's where babies come from.  I know this.

ME:  Yes, you are correct.  That is exactly where babies come from.  SO How are we going to take care of our new monster, then?

ALISON: Well, we'd have to sell it. 

ME: How much will we sell it for?  A hundred bucks?

ALISON: No.  No one will buy it for that.

ME:  How about five?

ALISON:  Okay.  Or six.

ME: And until we sell it, what will it eat?

ALISON: Everything.  It eats meat.  And mom, HUMANS ARE MEAT.  (I don't know why she felt the need to clarify this with me considering I was the one who told her this when she was five and she asked me what lions ate.  I said they eat meat.  She got all quiet, then asked if humans were meat.  I would have paid a million dollars to see what was going through her brain that led her to that deduction.  Was it a mixture of cartoons plus Animal Planet?  I didn't want to traumatize her, but at the same time I didn't want to lie to her.  So I told her that yes, humans are meat.  Again she got quiet, then laughed and said, "Well I'm made out of soup."  PROBLEM SOLVED.)

ME: Uh, oh.  We'll have to raise him to be a vegetarian.  Where will he sleep?

ALSION: In your bed.

ME: Why my bed?  Why not your bed?

ALISON:  Because then he'd have more room.  And I think he snores. 

ME: Oh, so you're going to stick me with the snoring monster.  Thanks a lot.  I'm making him a bed on the floor.  What games do monsters like to play?

ALISON: I don't know.  We're not going to have a monster.  CODE: I'm done.  You're ridiculous, mother. 

I prefer it much better in code because I assume in a few years she will be saying it flat out and refuse to answer my silly questions.  But it was good entertainment while I cooked.