Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How to Survive Life as a Zombie

There are all these tips out there on how to survive if there's a zombie outbreak.  How to stay human and fight off the massive hordes trying to eat your brain.  But we all know what the math says.  If an outbreak happens, it'll happen quick.  99% of the human population will be turned into the walking dead in a short amount of time.

In the movies and books, they follow what happens to that one percent that makes it, their struggles and how to find love while fighting for your life and who doesn't want to be that one percent?

But the odds are not with the majority of humankind.  Let's take a simple, one question test to see how likely you are to make it:
You're walking to your car on your way to work on morning.  The guy who lives in the apartment next to you is walking in your direction.  Normally you just nod your heads at each other and go your merry way, but today your neighbor suddenly lunges at you with blood dripping down his mouth, pale bruised skin and a manic roar.  You:

A)  Run screaming for your life in the opposite direction with no plan whatsoever.

B)  Reach for your phone to call the Neighborhood Watch Society because this is a major violation of the rules.

C)  Curl into the fetal position while he feasts on your flesh.

D)  Pop the trunk and pull out the semi-automatic weapon and blast him away, then separate his head from his body with the battle ax. 


If you're a normal human being you answered either A, B or C because who keeps that kind of artillery handy at all times unless you live in Texas?  Personally I'm torn between A and C.  It could go either way.  Even if you do run screaming for your life, eventually you will run into more and more and more of them until you join their ranks.

But don't despair!  Just because you no longer care about which Gucci purse matches the perfect red shoes that goes with the party dress you'll wear when you meet Mr. Perfect doesn't mean life has to be completely meaningless.  I've compiled a list on how to survive life as a zombie.  Follow these simple rules and you'll be just fine. 

  • Rule #1:  Eat brains.  Or human flesh in general, but apparently brains are like the caviar of zombie food.  Since you're technically dead, regular food won't sustain you anymore.  You'll need the flesh of the living to keep you energized and going.  This may be harder than it seems since humans will have fighting tools and logical thinking on their side, but you'll have your own set of skills.  You'll be extra strong in order to rip limbs from their body and you're already dead so nothing short of severing your head will stop you.  Another skill at your disposal is your instinct, which brings me to....
  • Rule #2:  Follow your instincts.  Really, there's only one: stay together.  You're going to gravitate towards other zombies which may seem like a bad idea at first, but as a group you can steer your prey into traps like the predators in the wild do.  But you'll want to keep those groups small because.....
  • Rule #3:  Don't let other zombies steal your food.  It's not going to last forever.  The apocalypse will happen so fast that in a month or so all humans will be either zombies or zombie food.  You have to share with the zombies in your group, to a degree, so don't overcrowd.  If you only have one human to feast on, it's not going to go far unless they're nice and plump.  But don't worry when the food supply runs out because.....
  • Rule #4:  Enjoy the afterlife.  You have nothing to do.  No work to go to, no house to keep up, no one threatening your eternal soul if you don't forward the email with the cute bunnies in it.  All you have to do is wander from place to place and find food.  There will be small rodents and animals for awhile.  And they may even be able to hide in crevices and reproduce and make more food for you.  The zombie body will only last for a year or so before it decays and falls completely away, so enjoy the time you have left.  Look at your surroundings as you forage for living things to feast on.  If you've always wanted to travel, now's the time.  Make the most of it.

See?  Zombie life isn't that much different from today.  If you're a lawyer or a lion tamer, you should do just fine. 

In life there are always two options.  You can live or you can die.  If you live, you're just fine.  If you die, you have two options.  You go to heaven or hell.  If you go to heaven, you're just fine.  If you go to hell, you'll be so busy catching up with old friends you won't have time to be miserable.

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