Monday, December 26, 2011

Things I've noticed about the holidays

  • Christmas trees look sad in the daytime.  Especially mine.  I have a fake one because they are less messy.  (Don't judge me.  My best friend in high school grew up with fake trees because of her asthma or allergies or both and she grew up to be a perfectly well adjusted human being.  She gets out of jail any day now thankyouverymuch.)  In the daytime you can see where the different levels of my tree are separated and the ornaments just sit there all limp and dull.  But at night, the shadows hide the imperfections and the lights make everything sparkle and shine and they look happier
  • I don't like eggnog.  This is a fact I somehow forget in the 11 months after Christmas ends because every year I pass by the displays in grocery stores and I buy a carton of eggnog.  Then I take it home, all excited because it's that time of year again and I get to enjoy the little things that help make this insanity laced season worth it.  I can handle idiotic shoppers, as long as I get to enjoy peppermint hot chocolate and gingerbread houses.  Then I drink the eggnog and slowly realize that it's kind of disgusting.  Even when diluted with milk, it's still too thick and rich.  But I want to like it because then it makes everything worth it.  So I drink smaller and smaller portions until I finally give up and spend the rest of the holiday season trying to pawn my eggnog off on every unsuspecting, living thing that comes through my door so I don't have to feel guilty for wasting perfectly good food.  Starving kids in Africa would love your eggnog you selfish cow.  You and your children don't like eggnog?  How about your cat?  The mail carrier?  Does it officially become not a food if starving kids in Africa won't drink it? 
  • Also, Christmas trees look even sadder after Christmas when all the presents are gone.  

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Conversation overheard at work

"Hey, you have any hot sauce."

"Yeah, whatcha eating?"

"Tamales.  You want one?"

"Where'd you get tamales?"

"Some lady.  In a van."

"I'll pass.  Thanks."

Friday, December 16, 2011

Meet the Maker of Nightmares

Surprisingly his name isn't death.  It's Juan Cabana.  He makes sculptures.  Of mermaids and mystical creatures.  Sounds sweet and innocent, right? 

This one is The Mermaid of Aruba:


This one is 'Le Triton':



Not exactly sweet and innocent.  He mixes just the right amount of creepy, mystical, ghoulish and realistic features to create awesomeness.  They freak me out and yet I want to own all of them.  You have to check out his galleries.  You will never sleep again.   http://www.thefeejeemermaid.com/gallery1.htm 


I think this is one of my favorites:


I love the tiny fish with the giant human heads.  I can't explain why. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Toast and Vibrators

I just read the history of the toaster.  And I found it interesting.  Not a sentence I thought I would ever say. 

Did you know toast has been around for 5000 years? But the toaster was only invented 100 years ago. That means people had to make wire things to hold the toast over the fire while it burnt to a crispy brown.  I like toast, but that's dedication. I have to get my toaster out of a cupboard because I don't have enough room in my tiny kitchen to just store it on a counter.  Sometimes this prevents me from eating toast.  Because it is a lot of work.

The toaster wasn't really popular until 1933 when sliced bread was invented.  That makes it official: toast is the next best thing since sliced bread.  (When I read that, I laughed out loud.  No, not lol, I spelled it out because that's how funny I thought it was) and, since I was at work, a guy next to me asked what was so funny.  So I told him: toast is the next best thing since sliced bread.  He looked at me for a second.  Then looked back at his computer screen, like, this never happened.

You're probably wondering why would anyone be so curious about toast?  I wasn't, really.  I looked up the information as a work around because the content blocker at work won't let me do research on vibrators.  Because they want me to be lonely and sexually frustrated. 

Kate had called me to tell me that I should write about how the vibrator was one of the first inventions created after electricity. Apparently it was a frightening contraption used by doctors to treat "female hysteria". That's funny.  It's what I use to treat just about everything. Headaches, broken arm, thirst.

She called first thing in the morning because she wanted to tell me about it before she forgot. I loved the idea, of course but I knew I wouldn't be able to look up the good stuff at work, but I couldn't wait until I got home.  I'm not that patient. 

So I was contemplating ways to go around it by researching what was invented before the vibrator (thus the article about the history of the toaster).  That's when I got a shout from the lobby. There was a meeting going on and I was late. They have these meetings every single Friday morning at 8 o'clock without fail. You would think by now I would remember them. Especially when I'm in the same building not two feet from it.

The managers and everyone had been sitting there for two whole minutes, waiting on me while I was talking about vibrators with my sister. My face was bright red when I sat down. I'm sure everyone assumed I was embarrassed about holding up my bosses and being called out, but honestly I was just relieved that they couldn't read my mind.

After the meeting, I got back to work reasearching the history of the vibrator in which I found this beauty of a wikipedia entry.  I've highlighted my favorite parts:

"For centuries, doctors had been treating women for a wide variety of illnesses by performing what is now recognized as masturbation. The "pelvic massage" was especially common in the treatment of female hysteria during the Victorian Era, as the point of such manipulation was to cause "hysterical paroxysm" (orgasm) in the patient. However, not only did they regard the "vulvular stimulation" required as having nothing to do with sex, but reportedly found it time-consuming and hard work.

One of the first vibrators was a steam-powered device called the "Manipulator", which was created by American physician George Taylor, M.D. This machine was a rather awkward device, but was still heralded as some relief for the doctors who found themselves suffering from fatigued wrists and hands. Circa 1880, Dr. Joseph Mortimer Granville patented the first electromechanical vibrator, then, in 1902, the American company Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator available for retail sale, making the vibrator the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified, after the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle, and toaster, and about a decade before the vacuum cleaner and electric iron."

See, women?  Vibrators were invented before the vacuum cleaner and the electric iron.  And people think we don't have our priorities straight. I like how it's classified as a domestic appliance.  So why doesn't Sears sell them next to the refrigerators?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Cute Kid Moments-holiday version

1)  I take my own candy into the movie theaters even though you're not supposed to.  This is what God made oversized handbags for.  This time Alison brought a little baggie with her Halloween candy in it because I was not about to buy candy when she already had a good four months supply just sitting there.

A reasonable adult mind sees this as solving a problem.  She wants candy during the movie, she already has candy, voila! An eight year old sees this as the end of her world.  She has candy, she wants more candy, movies in the past have always produced extra candy, why should this be any different? This was easily averted by threatening to not go at all.  She calmed right down.

So we get to the theater and she's eating the candy and she whispers, "Mom, what do I do with the wrappers?"

"You throw them on the floor.  They sweep them up later.  It's what they get paid minimum wage for."

"I can't do that.  It's littering."

"Who raised you?"

"Here mom, take it."

So she spent the movie handing me wrappers which I then tossed on the floor.

2)  Alison wore a new pair of pants today that have multiple pockets on them.  When she put them on she noticed a new pocket she hadn't seen before.  You've heard about the straw that broke the camels back, right?  Well, this was the pocket that blew Alison's mind.  She liked the pants before and thought the pockets were pretty amazing, but this one? This pocket made the pants AMAZING.  She kept mentioning how awesome all those pockets were. 

Then, while I was walking her to the bus stop, she said, "I can hold so much stuff in these pockets.  Like....eggs!  I could hold so many eggs in these pockets.  And then they'd hatch and I'd have animals in there!" And she says this like it wouldn't be disgusting to have a just hatched, slimy animal squirming around in her pocket.

"What kind of animals?" I asked.

"Unicorns.  And they would grant me three wishes because that's what unicorns do."

"What would you wish for with your three wishes?"

"Oh, no I'd have tons of wishes because I'd have so many unicorns.  I'd wish for everything.  Don't worry, mom.  I'll share with you.  You can have one of my wishes."

Such a sweetheart.