Sunday, December 11, 2011

Toast and Vibrators

I just read the history of the toaster.  And I found it interesting.  Not a sentence I thought I would ever say. 

Did you know toast has been around for 5000 years? But the toaster was only invented 100 years ago. That means people had to make wire things to hold the toast over the fire while it burnt to a crispy brown.  I like toast, but that's dedication. I have to get my toaster out of a cupboard because I don't have enough room in my tiny kitchen to just store it on a counter.  Sometimes this prevents me from eating toast.  Because it is a lot of work.

The toaster wasn't really popular until 1933 when sliced bread was invented.  That makes it official: toast is the next best thing since sliced bread.  (When I read that, I laughed out loud.  No, not lol, I spelled it out because that's how funny I thought it was) and, since I was at work, a guy next to me asked what was so funny.  So I told him: toast is the next best thing since sliced bread.  He looked at me for a second.  Then looked back at his computer screen, like, this never happened.

You're probably wondering why would anyone be so curious about toast?  I wasn't, really.  I looked up the information as a work around because the content blocker at work won't let me do research on vibrators.  Because they want me to be lonely and sexually frustrated. 

Kate had called me to tell me that I should write about how the vibrator was one of the first inventions created after electricity. Apparently it was a frightening contraption used by doctors to treat "female hysteria". That's funny.  It's what I use to treat just about everything. Headaches, broken arm, thirst.

She called first thing in the morning because she wanted to tell me about it before she forgot. I loved the idea, of course but I knew I wouldn't be able to look up the good stuff at work, but I couldn't wait until I got home.  I'm not that patient. 

So I was contemplating ways to go around it by researching what was invented before the vibrator (thus the article about the history of the toaster).  That's when I got a shout from the lobby. There was a meeting going on and I was late. They have these meetings every single Friday morning at 8 o'clock without fail. You would think by now I would remember them. Especially when I'm in the same building not two feet from it.

The managers and everyone had been sitting there for two whole minutes, waiting on me while I was talking about vibrators with my sister. My face was bright red when I sat down. I'm sure everyone assumed I was embarrassed about holding up my bosses and being called out, but honestly I was just relieved that they couldn't read my mind.

After the meeting, I got back to work reasearching the history of the vibrator in which I found this beauty of a wikipedia entry.  I've highlighted my favorite parts:

"For centuries, doctors had been treating women for a wide variety of illnesses by performing what is now recognized as masturbation. The "pelvic massage" was especially common in the treatment of female hysteria during the Victorian Era, as the point of such manipulation was to cause "hysterical paroxysm" (orgasm) in the patient. However, not only did they regard the "vulvular stimulation" required as having nothing to do with sex, but reportedly found it time-consuming and hard work.

One of the first vibrators was a steam-powered device called the "Manipulator", which was created by American physician George Taylor, M.D. This machine was a rather awkward device, but was still heralded as some relief for the doctors who found themselves suffering from fatigued wrists and hands. Circa 1880, Dr. Joseph Mortimer Granville patented the first electromechanical vibrator, then, in 1902, the American company Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator available for retail sale, making the vibrator the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified, after the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle, and toaster, and about a decade before the vacuum cleaner and electric iron."

See, women?  Vibrators were invented before the vacuum cleaner and the electric iron.  And people think we don't have our priorities straight. I like how it's classified as a domestic appliance.  So why doesn't Sears sell them next to the refrigerators?


missmessy said...

Last year i thought i would be hoity toity and grind my own coffee beans every morning. I did that for 2 days, and then got way too lazy to put the beans in the grinder. So if anyone wants 15 pounds of different organic hand-roasted flavored coffee beans packaged by Juan Valdez himself, they are all yours. There's no way I'll every get up the energy to take them to the post office, so you'll have to pick them up yourself.

KateBryan said...

Lol love the post and the comment "messy" If I could I would come down there and take those off your hands. Or what you need now is one of those fancy machines where you pop in the beans and out comes coffee after it self grinds, sifts, and makes it :D

missmessy said...

Kate, can I borrow a thousand dollars for one of those machines? I'll pay you back in frappuccinos!