Saturday, January 28, 2012

Conversation just overheard while Alison and her cousins were playing barbies:

Boy Barbie:  Honey, I found your phone.

Girl Barbie: Why did you move it?  I put it there for a reason.

Boy Barbie: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Girl Barbie:  That's okay. I still love you. Just don't do it again. 

They learn so young.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Martian Manifestos

I love anything to do with Mars and Martians so when I was reading over at and he said something like 'you can write about anything you want-even martian manifestos' my brain put on the brakes.  Martian Manifestos?  What a group of martians would send out about their intent upon entering Earth's atmosphere?  This is a market I gotta tap.

I've never written a manifesto before and when I looked up examples and advice it was really long and boring so I made up my own prototype and kept it nice and simple.  

Hostile Take Over Group, Unlimited 

Our Commitment: Take Over with Integrity

Our Goals:  To annihilate Earth's population in order to utilize the natural resources and use the remaining ground as a garbage dump for our other planets.

How we will achieve this:  Quick assimilation of the humans into our culture.  There will be no rape, torture or suffering.  We will be unbiased in choosing which candidates to retain.  All humans who proclaim undying fealty to our ways and lifestyle will be kept as slaves without discrimination based on race, gender or sexual preference.  All others will succumb to a smooth, painless death. 

A little background: We have been studying the human civilization for some time now and have deemed it inferior.  Please don't take this personally.  It's just business.  We have watched your moving picture shows that depict alien life forms as technologically advanced, but emotionally stinted creatures.  This is not true.  We are very caring beings, but practicality demands your extinction.  We know that those humans who are lawyers and businessmen will understand.

One Last Warning:  We have already disabled all your inferior physical weapons and will be using your strongest weapons, hope and love, against you by allowing you to volunteer for slave duty.  All volunteers will be given first choice of their duty station and the chance to keep their puny lives.

Welcome to the Company!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Random funny stuff

One night, it was very late and Alison needed tape for a project she was doing in her room that usually includes cutting pieces of paper into weird shapes, coloring them and taping them to the wall while destroying her room in the process.  But she does this often enough that we had run out of tape.  So she told me we needed more.  I said I would put it on the top of my list.  The next morning (Saturday) she woke up at 7 (because heaven forbid mom gets to sleep in) and she goes to get some tape.  "We're still out of tape?"  She asks.  "What am I going to do with you, mom?"  Because, obviously, I should have jumped up in the middle of the night and ran to the store to get her tape. 

I was going out with friends one night and Kate was watching Alison for me.  I didn't tell Alison that I was leaving her there, I only told Alison we were going to her cousins' house because I didn't want to hear her whine and beg and plead to go with me for hours before I left.  If I tell her right before I walk out the door, then the second I leave, she's fine, she gets over it.  So I'm all ready to go and I tell Alison I'm leaving, I'll see her in a couple hours and she tears up.  Kate says, "Honey, it's a grown up affair.  It's boring.  You'll have much more fun here."  This makes Alison sob.  She says, "But I love fairs."  A grown up affair is not that kind of fair.  If only.

This one has nothing to do with Alison, but it's so random, I had to mention it somewhere.  I was on a test drive with a customer at work and he was driving the car (for anyone who's new, I sell cars. This sentence makes much more sense when you know that) and we were stopped at a red light.  I was telling him all about the car and we were making conversation when both of us stopped.  We looked at the guy crossing the street in front of us.  He was an average looking guy in jeans and a t-shirt but in his hands he was holding a bottle of mustard.  "Is that-"  Both of us asked at the same time, watching him as he got to the other side of the road and guessing why he would be toting that around.  In case he ran into a hot dog?  Does he drink it like water because he has some kind of disease where he needs the nutrients in it? Does mustard have nutrients in it?  But our light turned green and we went on our way so this will remain one of life's greatest mysteries.